Backfired.

Untold stories about us are still in the book of a thousand chapters. Is it me or you who's eyes are wrapped with the black cloth and unable to see the truth in between eyes. The flow of the music faded with a stop in the very last minute without showing a possible ending. Somehow you got me thinking....is it safe to discover the truth from you? Or would it be a suffering for me to let it go?

Sometimes in the middle of a depression season, you came with a smile and questions putting me on lacking decision of running away. A scene from a movie where a man describe a part..." If he walks out but stop and turn towards her, then he will never leave...but if he keeps on walking, he will never come back". Well you put me in this scene where I would stop and stare at you just to stay back and wait for a moment.

Even though I knew from the beginning that the sense of fake and unreliable reasons applied every second I tried to push in but this heart just kept on beating the same name since Summer. Letting you climb the top first made me weak behind. Efforts efforts efforts...that's what I did so far but nothing more than a black hole I got as a return. Isn't it obvious to you at all to see the reality coming at you this instance? I would bet with the whole of Paris saying that even a twelve year old kid can understand the possibilities. Your reactions were just too dull for me and you reasons were predictably common.

I just can't figure out why and why you manage to clear your name with a double faced masks. This part of the story, you are just too mean to be called queen of hearts but the other side of it...people adore you with respects and smiles. A small knowledge is that, if you caused a broken heart...there will be no space for you in love even if you have a million people pushing you from the back.

And now that i'm backfired because of the pouring love I gave to you, you are just another story which is never true in the history of a human's life and you will stay that way until you reverse the circle you made from your own actions.

Close

If you could see how close I want to get,
If you could feel how close I want to be,
If you could realize how close I want to stay,

Then you would try to make the close meet.

And the close, one.

But would you now?

7 December 2010

Yes it is. Two major things to be noted for me :
1) Basically, I'm 21 years old. So called, the "legal" age in our pretty state of America.
2) Its a new calendar change for me. Its Awal Muharam for the Muslims. Well, not really sure if I should say its a good motion of flow or its a coincidence but all I can think of is that, this day marked the best start of my real life in this world and I shall keep this in mind cause in me, it should be the day I start something new and turn those mistakes around and make them a success.

Thankful is the only word I can express for those who mentioned the wish of " Happy Birthday" to me. I hope we could take the highway together and reach the same end where the sun sets with a beautiful flash on its behind.

I'm sorry if I say that I don't really count the days until this day came but i'll definitely make use of this day with great and smiley things. Usually, I don't show care for the birthdays that I had before this but this year, a new shine just passed through me and I want that shine to stay.

On this very day, I shall reverse all the things that I missed last year ( for Muslim) and grab them back. I will crawl to you if I have to and ask you to hold my hand with no more letting it go. I'll make sure that i'll have the right to look into those pretty eyes of yours forever. I will love all those people who showed me love and finally take the victory that I have been fighting for the whole four seasons. Trust me, I will never loose.

At the same time, bringing myself close to Him is my main action on this very minute cause the air I breathe and the body I have belong to Him. I shall praise Him the most insyaAllah.

Last- till we meet again December 7 2011.



Photo by Merci Scharned

A new one.

Photo by Mariooma Meme.

A thing that I want to do.

Drop everything now, meet you in the pouring rain.

Whisper, " Baby, lets run " and move straight towards the sunset.

Forget that we ever known each other and make each day an interesting flying new day.

Go back to June where it all starts.

Days where we sleep without sounds filled with dreams we never thought of having.

That's how I want it to happen.

But if there's a chain in front of your door, I understand.

If Its You.

If its you...

I'll cry,
I'll fly,
I'll get high,
I'll die,
With you.

If its you,

I ride,
I slide,
I show pride,
I choose side,
With you.

If its you,

I'll hold,
I'll find gold,
I'll stay cold,
I'll be bold,
With you.

If its you,

I'll fight,
I'll be right,
I'll climb height,
I'll let go the tight,
With you.

Only if its you..

Photo by Recep Gulec

Speak.

Its been long enough,
Waiting is the only thing I thought,
The roads I walked were always rough,
Fell too many times without getting caught.

Thinking again and again,
It seems hard to even gain,
It was always everything,
Now you're my nothing.

I heard too many musics with happiness,
As we speak, i'm in emptiness,
Never once I played those with pain,
With no sun, it fills with rain.

Promises made never once happened,
Even when I reopened,
All I did was only wonder,
Trust me, it will never be closer.

All these things running through my vein,
Are driving me insane,
Now I need a new light,
To make all things right.

Eid Al- Adha

When we really look beyond the two Eids we celebrate every year. People are more into Eid Fitri rather than Eid Al Adha.

Remember, there is nothing special about Eid Fitri except that Muslims are allowed to eat after the finishing of Ramadhan.

Eid Al Adha, well, it is a day of sacrifice and a day of love. The story of Nabi Ibrahim and his son Nabi Ismail was the reason Al Adha was celebrated. It is way more important than eating rendang and getting duit raya. It is when people gather from all around the world and pray the Him the All Mighty. He who gives lives and take them away. He who forgives and punishes. He who show His creations the right path in life. MasyaAllah !!!

So brothers and sisters, open your eyes and treat Eid Al Adha the best you can.

Mixed : Bullshit

All that bullshits for the bird,
You ain't nothing but a vulture.

Thought it was true love but you know women lie,
Its like I sent my love with a text two times,
Call cause I care, but I ain't get no reply,
Try to see eye to eye but its like we are both blind.

(Deuces by Chris Brown & Tyga feat. Kevin McCall )

She strikes a match as she is covering my heart with gasoline,
And I'm going down much faster than everything I've ever seen.

( Gasoline by Jason Reeves )

She said,
And maybe someday we'll figure all this out,
Try to put an end to all our doubts,
And try to find a way to make things better now that,
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud,
We'll better off somehow, someday.

( Someday by Rob Thomas )
But what are you doing? What are you thinking? It will never work.

I told you ,

I'll give you all i'm worth,
From my head down to my shoes,
And girl if we gonna work,
Then I need the same from you,
I know that so many other dudes cheat,
But so many dudes ain't me.
( One Love by Trey Songz )

Does he really know you, all the little things?
Does he really love you, like I love you, how can he compete?
If he makes me fight for you, or die for you, would he do the same?
This is turning into more than a game.

Getting kinda sick of this battle,
Wish I could take it back to when I had you,
I'm always thinking that I can have you, just let him have you,
Its getting kinda hard to convince you,
After all the shit we've through,
Why would you let all this happen?
You gotta choice to make it stop,
Its already going to far.
( War by Jay Sean )

I gave all of my trust, didn't think that being faithful was asking too much,
Glad that I know now that I was fooled,
Fate let me see how they say every tears have its own reasons,
Every smile has its own season,
Never once thought that you would be this trifling. I was blinded.

Now I know that love made me blind,
So I couldn't see all the lies you told were right in front of me,
Since love made me blind, you made a fool of me,
You make it look so perfect when it wasn't meant to be.
( Blind by Jason Derulo )

You cause me to wonder as much as I can,
I feel it all over, its starting to lack,
We're spinning our wheels so much,
That its hard to turn back.
( Snowblind by Rob Thomas )

But..
Don't know what tomorrow brings,
But i'm still hoping you are the one for me,
And what if I had you and what if you had me?
What's the reason we can't fall in love?
( What If by Jason Derulo )

Now..
Its like i'm alone with me,
But I never told you what I should have said,
No, I never told you,
I just held it in,

And now,

I miss everything about you,
Can't believe that I still want you,
And after all the things we've been through,
I miss everything about you.
( I Never Told You by Colbie Cailat )

Cause it's not over till it's over
Every ending's a new beginning
One more chance to get it right
One more chance to get it wrong
Its not over till it's over
Sometime's nowhere leads to somewhere
And it all starts again
In the end
( The End by Jason Reeves )

Baiklah, saya rindu..

Lies.

An undeniable action which each and every one of us made in life. Suppressed feelings and the burning fire we have towards others are those lies we showed them eyes to eyes. Words that we told and things we played with them are those lies we hide behind their visions. Fake smiles and dreams we shared with them are those lies we crashed their lives with. In a situation where a ball threw touched the ground without a catch. A human with two faces in his stories. Mood swings with a happy face now and pale the next minute. Giving hopes with a dead end. A future with emptiness and zero happiness.

We try, we show and we maintain the relationship with liars with a beauty hope of a recovery. The emotions we carried were heavier than those lies they gave us. Telling them that we were dumb but with the truth, we were never blind. All those bullshit given to make us smile, to make us calm, to make us compliment, were the lies created with drowned hard feelings which they never revealed. All night we look around finding our wrongs, never will we find them because of the locked chest beneath our heads. Don't you felt the bullshit around you ? What to do depends on why you want it to be next.

Friendship and love torn in between the stretches with a needle than can't be used for any purpose. A reason to stay with us was only for enjoyment and hatred. We made things better to cover up the holes, to catch up a long breath swimming beneath, but they were hopeless. This is the life that we face whenever our eyes open with the shine from the east. A scratch of misunderstanding was repaired with hard faces without any considerations from either sides. The darkness we have to realize.

Friendship that starts with a lie will never last.
Love that starts with a lie will always hurt.


Photo by Twinphotography

Hold On.

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones?
I guess that we were once, babe we were once,
But luck will leave you cause it is a faithless friend,
And in the end when life has got you down,
You've got someone here you can wrap your arms around.

So hold on to me tight, hold on to me tonight,
We are stronger here together than we could ever be alone,
So hold on to me, don't you ever let me go.

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
But its no one's fault, no its not my fault,
And maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
But I have no doubt even though its hard to see,
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.

So hold on to me tight, hold on, I promise it'll be alright,
Cause its you and me together and baby all we got is time,
So hold on to me, hold on to me tonight.

There's so many dreams that we have given up,
Take a look at all we've got,
And with this kind of love, what we got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight, hold on, I promise it'll be alright,
Cause we are stronger here together than we could ever be alone,
Just hold on to me, don't you ever let me go,
Hold on to me, its gonna be alright, hold on to me tonight.

They always say we were the lucky ones.

I will and I am : Los Angeles.

I will get what I always wanted and finish up what I started.

I will walk under the sun when it was winter in everywhere else.

I'll wear shorts to parks and walk next to the beach with my sunglasses during summer.

I'll drive a simple car and enjoy my ride every day when my journey starts.

I'll hangout in parks next to the city every weekend and look at the people running around with their kids and dogs.

I'll shop anytime I want on rows of classy shops with latest fashion designs you can find on earth.

I'll party in bigger clubs and better songs than the one I have right now.

I'll walk on a path with stars on it where people take photos after a step they made.

I'll visit Chinatown and see all the Chinese that live on that side of the city.

I watch my favorite basketball team play in their very own stadium and scream as loud as I can.

I'll buy the star map and see every single star houses I can find.

I'll watch the sunset on the beach and sunrise from my apartment.

This is my list and I write it down so that it happens.

I Never Told You.

What you said. What you did. What happened. I can't never forget. Because it hurts so bad.
You gave reasons. You never showed. You never felt. You never told. You never tried. What I felt was only lies.

Maybe I should have done it a long time ago. Maybe I should have said it a long time ago. Maybe I should have said it when it happens. Maybe I should have said it when you left. Maybe I should have stood up and brought you back.

Now I feel the emptiness. Now I feel the miss. Now I lack the smiles. Now I walk alone. Now I have the space bigger than I ever needed. Now I have no talks with laughters. Now I have my hands on my head instead of my heart. Now I can't see you in my dreams. Now its all dark. Now there's nothing else I could do. Now i'm weak.

That Attitude

You see, all this racist things that have been going in Malaysia is really pissing me off. Malays are racist !! And guess who are those people that are going against this racism acts. The Malays as well.

Wait. So Malays are saying that other Malays are racist? What in the hell is going on to the race called Malays? We stood side by side since before independence and now we are separating because of racism issues that involves us? That is not a right thing to do.

I know that somehow, somewhere we do have the sense of racism in our culture but we are not the only one who has it. Other races do as well. Tell me other races in Malaysia is as equal as they can be? Tell me that i'm lying. Tell me that we never give anything at all to those other races out there.

You know why Chinese and Indians control the economy instead of us ? Because they are together in any sense whenever they fight out there in the reality world. That is why we have Maxis, Digi, Public Bank and some other tall buildings they built. We? Control the government most of the time, yes. But with fighting against each other for the sake of power ? How can we move forward ? The problem with Malays is that we are not being together. Some of us do but not all of us.

That not all of us are those BITCH Malays. Sorry to say but you are.
I hate it when these idiots are saying that we are being racist to others and going against racism but when they got in troubles, they themselves seek help from us, the one they blame. When you got a ticket, you came and find us to clear you shit pile and get loose without nothing. When you want scholarships, you use us as a middle portion to get them. What is that are you doing ? Being equal ? If you are saying that during your whole life, you never ask for help from those government agencies to clear you shit away, then I would say stop bullshitting and tell the truth.

And then to be sensible, you start all this nagging stuff about Malays not being equal, now what the fuck is that? Are you yourself being equal first ? Let me tell you something, the whole Malaysia is never fair. Malays, Chinese and Indians. Same stories. But still we live as normal as possible, why? Because there is still this small part in our hearts with a saying that we are still Malaysians and we should live like one.

Once again, you Malays should stop making all this things about Malay being racist. You are just making you own race weaker every time you do that. Be proud of who you are because you can never change who you are.

This whole world is being racist. It will never stop, but if we stay together as a nation, no matter how racist our races are, we can still survive in peace.

Nicole Atkins- The Way It Is.

An Opening :

SoundfromBehind

Where the appreciation of art is given to the most. Words have meanings and so do arts.

www.akemalh.tumblr.com

قريبا سوف تسمع لي.

If you go away,
This world will be filled with solitude.

All these stories,
Will be faded.

Every happiness is related to you,
There's nothing without you.

I love you and I ask for you,
God, listen to my prayers.

Come let's weave,
Little dreams together.

I promise you that,
I will never leave you.

I want to live with you,
Never will I get angry with you,

Even if my life is taken,
I will never let you go.



I never had you yesterday but tomorrow I will.

Battle.

Whenever you wake up with your eyes open, that reality you're facing is always a new battle for you. No matter what and where you are in this world, battles are everywhere. We keep on thinking why things that we did never got perfect all the time. Why can't we make peace in this world without having guns and bombs dropped. Why can't we smile every time we got scores on tests and exams. Why can't get hold of love with just a step taken.

Somewhere in the middle, we make mistakes and lose the key to our goal. God made it that way for His beings to make us understand that to be happy we always need to try and get what we want. Yes, hoping is right but what is hope without effort? Yes, faith is right but what is faith without trials? All the things we do can always be better. We need to TRY. You will never know that the one you let go is the one you're looking for. No one knows the future and that is a fact we all have to know.

LOST. Its a common word we heard all the time in our lives. Losing is never a bad thing. When we lose the battle we are in, we try again. That is the only way for us to get better. WAR. Losing in a war is better than not going for a war ( with a good purpose ). LOVE. Losing love is better than not trying to love. LIFE. Losing in a part of a life is better than sitting down doing nothing. Its worth the fight.

We battle every second in our lives. We just have to keep going. Keep trying. Keep the strength. Its a faith only when we find the door to the key we hold. God is always right. If He is not true then there will be no planets and universe. There will be no inventions and revolutions. There will be no rings and marriages. Everything we do will always work. Once you fail, stand up and walk again. Once you drowned, swim back up and take your breath. Life is a battle and you know what to do.

History.

15 : It happens for the first time. Not knowing what it was, bringing it in with a smile and joy. Treated it with pureness virginity in life. Broken with a lack of trust in between one. He left.

17 : Sweet smile, sweet laughs, sweet expressions seen in every single action done. There was a stop at a moment of silence. Thinking of what to do. Again it opens, calling her in, showing what's inside. Turned out better not staying too long or ended with hurt for both. He left.

19 : For a while it closed. In the darkness he stayed. A light knocked and he opened. There a new star stood asking him to show what he was. With a smile he brought her in. Happiness crawled in day by day. But after a while it fades, feelings flew, covered with illusions. Once again, the steps took him out. He left.

21 : Pushed aside the state of believe in it. Sway into a hole which only one fits. Until under the hotness sun he saw an angel along the way. Out of the hole he went looking. Seeing her, it turned Autumn. Her gave him strength to believe. To trust. To care. Waited with the truth within. Only with a sentence being destroyed. Suffered in burning pain. Everything lost and died. She left.

In the corner now he sat, looking up, and pray. Maybe one day he'll stand again. One day, she would realized that what she saw out there was never real. Heart breakers with a fake self which he knew a very long time ago they are.

A Conclusion : You.

Before :

In Between Time :


Yesterday :


Today :
Undefined.

L O V E

A definition? Or definitions? Love has too many meanings which makes it hard to understand. It can be said as a strong attachment with strong emotional feelings or it may be a virtue representing kindness and compassion. Looking at religious point of view, we can say it is a humble feeling that a human being has towards his/her life that gives the strength to manage one's life.

You see, there are many kind of definitions that we can conclude from the word love but one thing to be remembered is that the act of getting it and having it is the same and will always be, no matter what kind of love you have in mind.

Feeling "love" is not like going to a party and get laid. NO. Getting laid is easy. Drink drunk dance dunk !! But love, it takes time. Well sometimes it doesn't but it is something different. We read too many books about love and we watched too many movies with love titles but do we even know how does it feel to fall in love? LOL if you don't then basically you're not in love or its not there yet.

Love is something that only a heart can feel not your mind. Your mind is able to give you the meaning in facts but not feeling it. The feeling is something that you cannot explain. It is an unconditional feeling that no one in this world can tell how and why they had it. Once you're in love, trust me, you need to get it cuz if you don't then you will suffer. To make it simple, don't let it go. Even if you have to fly 30 000 miles to get it, do it.

But still in between that motion of getting it, you have side effects:

- can't sleep

-can't eat

-can't do shit.

The only thing you will be thinking of is how to get that love. Trying to be the loveman.

Getting worst then you will have to fight it. Or you're done !!

This is not some movies you watch on screen since those movies were written and have endings. Yours? Not yet. You have to make one.

One thing about love, its soft as f***. So don't push it but don't wait too long or it'll fade. Love is like slow dancing , its like you trying to turn on your dance partner. Yeah!! Like that. Red roses on the table won't do nothing. That is just some tradition that we've been doing for thousand of years. Every love out there has its own unique way. So you gotta find it. It sounds easy but trust me, its hard.

Not all the love you feel can be written in your heart. Sometimes there is only one wing working, the other not. If you ask me what to do if that happens then I would tell you this ; a friend of mine said once before, " Bro, fuck her !! ". Another friend of mine said this before as well, " Ade banyak lagi bunga dekat luar tu, ko petik jer, tak best ko buang". Basically, it means that we will always be looking for the best but in between that findings, we will have to get rid of the old ones or there will be no place for the best. So don't kill yourself, or jump off the third floor, just chill and get high. Okay, if you're religious enough, be close to God and from him you will get the path.

Love sucks but its good.

Weed.

What is weed? Marijuana? Cannabis? Its the same thing. Is it wrong to smoke weed? Well we smoke cigarette everyday, why can't we smoke weed instead ? Cigarette is worst than weed in some sense. Weed is a drug? Are you sure? If you say cocaine is a drug, then it would be right because they have some chemical shit in those things but weed? Come on people. Open your eyes. Its a plant that grows, that's all.

It makes you high, yes but only in the sense that it makes you slow in doing stuff. No no, let me rephrase that, it makes you alert in doing stuff. I don't understand why people say drinking alcohol is not that bad as smoking weed. You drink and drive and you might get into trouble but driving on weed would make you careful. Trust me, I've done that like a hundred times. Hello !! Drinking make you lost control of yourself. And you have these terms when you drink, "hangover" and "drunk". Weed? No drunk, no hangover, there is only "high" which I think is a good feeling when you're too bored of doing nothing. No belly, nothing. Its clean.

It is a wrong thing to do considering marijuana as a drug because it is not something that we create from the periodic table like heroine/cocaine. Its just crunched dry leaves that we smoke, that is all. Better off than smoking tar everyday and wasting money on things that give us bad diseases. Let me ask you an out loud question, which one is cooler, smoking cigarette or smoking weed?

Can you die for an overdose? No way. With weed, you know when to stop. Have you ever seen people die because of weed overdose? That is bullshit !!

Side effects? Well from my experience of smoking it, I guess there are only three things :

1) High

2) Hungry

3) Cool as fuck !!

Its good you know !! You might have leftovers in your fridge every time you eat something. Well, smoke weed and see what happens. I see myself standing and being normal everyday so I guess that weed is the shit to smoke, not rokok!!

Since i'm talking about weed a lot, then you should know who's my idol for this. Yes,Bob Marley. My opinion on this guy is that, what he wrote and what he did was absolutely right. No matter what happen, just be yourself and care nothing about all the problems you have. There will always be a way to solve things. This is life ladies and gentlemen. So for you guys out there, try weed once and see whether or not it changes your perception about life.

" Don't worry, Be happy".

Undeniable.

What was the meaning of the golden flower that I gave to you,

When it was given back to me,

And you turned back and flew away,

An insult I had,

Giving me the feeling that my care for you worth nothing.

What was the meaning of the golden flower that you had before,

When you walked away,

And I realized I was hated,

With the courage of you letting the colors of our love,

Making them fade in between your eyes.

For a second I sensed,

Your appearance was only a shadow,

That made me sleepless all night,

Always with the thought of you.

I am still here,

Looking for the colors of a rainbow,

And all I found,

Was a night with no sound and no lights.

It makes me wonder,

Is there still the smell of a flower you had,

The flower with a proven love,

Because when the night comes,

I stop and glare at the stars we used to have.

That rise back up into the sky leaving me no shine.

01.10.10

Binaries always have special meanings as we all know. I hate Math but still, its a fact that everyone should know.

A date that finished up a whole lot of things since Summer and the starting of Autumn. All this while, woke up in the morning went straight to my laptop and started checking my facebook account, emails and of course some youtube videos for an early good start but it never turned out to be good after all. Too many things running in and out of my mind and I did nothing about it. Great job !!

Its good to see that this special date fall on a Friday. The last day of the class ( for the week ) and a 'wajib' day for Friday prayers. For me, Friday is always a good day. Not talking about the Friday night party but something more descent. Okay, maybe the party might have a little fun in it. What can I say, America is always about parties and pizzas.

01.10.10. A date for an effort that has been going on since 4 months ago. From Purdue with love. The place where everything started to make new lines. Yes I drew a line, but nope, I see no miracle sparkles and stars coming out yet. People say love is unique but this is way than just being unique, this is something else.HELLO!! I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT I WAS WAITING FOR YOU BACK HERE !! Its good to wait but its not good to wait and not knowing what's gonna happen, so be it. Malaysia is not for long I guess. Well maybe I need a really expensive airplane for a good wish.

Yes !! October is going to be my back on track month till the end. Rock Kapak for life !! Thousands of us are now in western countries and we forgot about our own roots. Remember !! Once a Malay, always a Malay. I know Malaysian movies are bad but don't put the same blame onto music. The best songs Malaysia ever created were those before the 21st century. Let us bring back the old memories that have been left out for years and make them shine again. A saying would be.. " Di mana ada kemahuan, di situ ada highway".

Yet is still to come. Halloween might be a good event to talk about. We'll just have to wait and see.

Alleycats.

He might be forgotten by most of us in Malaysia or maybe not but I just want to bring back all the memories we had when his songs was the greatest. An Indian guy who sang in Malay? Now that is the thing that people always think about when it comes to Alleycats. His songs were best describe as legendary tones of sweetness since they hit the platinum ceiling several times.

But somehow, its not about the song and the voice. Its about the words that they use made me feel that they were the best of all. I can listen to Alleycats one whole day doing nothing. In fact, i'm listening to their records as we speak. Yes they were popular !! But what kind of popularity world do you think they live? A small pretty house in Penang, that's all. Their songs I would say, way better that the famous Dato' Siti Nurhaliza and I think she should follow the way Alleycats role instead of using her own way cuz it sucks !! Trying to be the next Malaysian Britney Spears ey?

One thing about Alleycats is that, they made their songs compatible for all kind of people in Malaysia and the voice suites the song really well. I hope you guys remember the TERIMA KASIH !! shout from David Arumugam? That was the trademark of Alleycats. Everytime they sing a song on stage, he'll shout terima kasih. You know why? Usually, its impossible to see Indians singing a Malay song and get famous but it happened for them because of us. We accepted their way of representing themselves and it turned out to be a good one after all.

Now that Loga is no longer with us, we will still remain our sincerity to Alleycats for their great performance of art in music and support them with the highest notations in our lives.

Finally, I just want to take this small space in blogger to share with you people out there, me favorite song from Alleycats. Have fun !!!

That Is When Autumn Comes

The hot summer air flew away,
The emptiness filled with joy,
Friends meet and parents leave,
That is when autumn comes.

Freshmen make their first move,
Stadiums become our second home,
Names of teams being the first pride,
A season that makes up a champion,
That is when autumn comes.

Cold air starts to breathe,
Hard weathers hitting in,
Strong winds and warnings alarmed,
To the basement we often go,
That is when autumn comes.

A hard three months till winter,
A new year is now open,
A gap of time to wait,
Until it rings and you appear,
That is when autumn comes.

Splashes of Summer.

Well summer? Talking about it seems to me like a long way of holidays. First of all, i'm still pissed off for not going back home to Malaysia. Missed all the food I can eat and back there. Friends and family members, on webcam? Are you kidding me or what? Never did that before in my whole damn life !!!

But still summer was a bit fun after all since I did go somewhere. Ramadhan was new to me this year, not knowing how to cook and always cooked to same thing all over again. Thank god for the food from Masjid Omar, at least i felt the taste of good meat sometimes. Oh not forgetting the Malaysian food I ate for buka puasa as well. Now that is what I called delicious!! The shrimp sambal was totally the best. I've been craving for it since I have no idea when so you can imagine me eating two or three plates at a time. LOL

And then let see, ahah!! Wisconsin. That's the place I've been for my holiday. Always wanted to go up there and see what is so exciting about the city Milwaukee people always talked about. Well apparently, it was a good shit up there. Plane landed...and straight to green? Now that's a bit weird but i'll take it still. What a pretty campus they have, Marquette or maybe because freshmen were all getting in, that's why the campus looks good. The rest of what I saw in Marquette must not be said. -end-


Yes. The juniors. Not forgetting them and the worst thing that happened to all those newbies. Shouldn't took a flight a day before raya people!! What kind of planning is that. Now you have to eat westernized Malaysian food. But hey!! we are all standing on the same mud right now so chill !! Hold on..seriously..two males and 17 females?? You gotta be kidding me.

Ahh..!! Raya. I know it seems happy when it comes to all this meeting people and open houses but the main thing is, I feel Eid Mubarak in Malaysia is way better. Somehow, I felt the boredom for the first time during Raya since I have no idea what to do and where to go. Its just so dull here in America. Look at all those people celebrating in Malaysia? With their baju melayu and baju kurung all over. Pretty colors popping out. Purple, green, blue, red....but I like purple..sorry to say. The other bad thing was, I freaking broke my camera so pictures...naah!!

Maybe this is how it works here. Anyways, i'm glad at least I have a quite good Ramadhan and a nice cozy Eid Mubarak. Later events will be told later.

I Got Another Confession To Make.

What is going to the world nowadays? Everywhere we go, everywhere we stop, there will be ( no wait!! let me rephrase ), there must be issues about religions or races in that particular nation. Why??

Malaysia!!! What happened to you 31st August 1957. What happened to all your so called "agreements" ? Remember the word Tanah Melayu?? read it properly, TANAH MELAYU !!! I've been staying patience for quite sometime now but it seems that nothing changed at all. This sucks!!

You non-Malays, what else you want from Malaysia la?? We give you the chance to hold our economy, getting rich and gamble up the hill, what else you want? You have DIGI in your hand,Maxis, Air Asia, several banks, and businesses, what else you want? You want us to respect your religion and give you holidays on behalf of you celebrations, what else you want?? You youngsters out there, we let you build clubs and bars all over the country, let you get drunk and drive back home passing out on you mom's sofa, what else you want?

Remember when you guys were workers transported from your China and India?? Who are you? NO ONE!! You become what you are today because we give you the opportunity to be one. When we were on the way for independence, the Malays wanted to send you home to your motherland and you beg us, asking to let you stay here in this independent country. Remember what happened? Remember Kontrak Sosial?? You agreed not to question the Malay rights at all. You AGREED NOT TO but what in the f*** are you doing now??
Yes Kontrak Sosial was not stated in the Constitution but "Kontrak sosial bukan istilah yang wujud dalam Perlembagaan Persekutuan pada tahun 1957 tetapi permuafakatan yang mewakili semangat Perlembagaan". If not, until now, we are still under the British la you idiot.

Saying out loud that Malays are racist, ITS WRONG !! but when you guys are being racist what is that?? NOT WRONG is it? A good thing to follow is it? You asked us what happened to your tax money? Think you dumb, are you non-Malays are the only one paying tax here?? You waste your money on alcohol and all, getting broke gambling, then you started questioning us, where is your money. You were given the freedom to speak and so you over-reacted.

Even a nation called the United States of America who got its independence hundreds of years before still having the black and white issue, how can we who just got our independence less than 6o years be better? It takes time. Stop blaming politics, because we are all the same.

You othesr, so called new generation Malays out there, who are you blaming now?? the old thinking Malays I supposed? If not because of what we have now, you don't even think of getting scholarships, or even getting away with "samans". Saying bad things about the government, but when you have problems, the smart act is to crawl back to them and ask for help. What kind of human being is that? If you think you are so good in this stuff, create your own university and put yourselves over there. The advantage that we have years before, let us just keep it the way it is. If we are not together, sooner or later, there will be no race called MALAY.

People say;
Cina balik China,
India balik India,
Melayu balik mana..?
Answer is: Lu orang tak sedar ka, itu tanah lu duduk sekarang tanah sapa? TANAH MELAYU.

So please my fellow Malaysians, stop this fighting and arguments because there is not point. We will only try to defend ourselves and our race not being together as one. What people are saying " Ini macam kaa satu Malaysia?", this is bullshit!! Basically we will still stay the way we are. I see most of you still have fun living in Malaysia so why fight? And the Malays, I know we are more, but please be a bit sensible sometimes. Looking at your actions, sometimes it doesn't make any sense, maybe that's why the others riot. If we really want Malaysia to be One, then we have to resist the temptation of fighting with each other.

Money.

Nowadays, people are so accommodated with cash. In their minds, they would probably think that cash would be the answer to every single thing on earth. You want to buy a plane ticket, you need cash. You feel like buying a car, you need cash. You want a pretty wedding, you need cash. Basically, its cash cash cash cash and cash always.

So is it true that cash is the answer to everything? Just take an example of a wedding. You want a beautiful wedding, since you are getting married and nothing can stop you from feeling that single moment of yours. But then you need $60000. Now that is a lot of cash!! Would you use your cash for that amount or would you try a cheaper wedding style? Some might just change the plan into something else and pay for another wedding plan but will that action of yours makes you happy? No. I bet it won't

If you treat money like you treat love, then you will never feel comfortable with your life. If its me, I would rather spend that $60000 because if that spending would create the best wedding for me and happiness on every person's face, then what is there to lose.

But obviously right now, wedding is not my main option.

-THIS IS !! -

So all of you out there who is so scared of losing money, its better for you to lose money rather than your loved ones. So, calm the f** down !!

Listen Instead of Writings.

Songs explained meanings more than writings sometimes. So I guess my writings would never necessary for this one. You figure it out.

Let Me Keep It Short.

I ease in pain,

When I see you, I vomit,

Die away from me,

Sayonara !!

( Great lines from the 70s show )

Mars Vs. Venus

There is no meaning actually on why people put the word versus in the middle of Mars and Venus. What is the point of differentiating a female from a male. Yes, its right to say that physical appearances differ from each other, but its that how we look at differences in our lives? We say men have better ability to think, to perform. Are we sure with the statement we made ?

Everywhere we go, discriminations after another can be seen towards females. Not saying that males are no better than them, we are, but if we look at females way of thinking and what they can do in abstract things, it would probably be the same plus, some of them even have better expectations to shine.

When a father gave up in taking care of his child and ran off, a woman stayed a pampered the infant and use whatever she has to make the child grow well. Who's better? The clothing we wear, fashion shows, designs in and out, who do you think have more creativity in creating them? Now who's better? Just look at all those therapists around the world. If to be compared, I can say that women are holding more of it than men.

I understand that men do have their potentials as well. Not just saying, we have better things in life that we can achieve but putting females out of the league is just going to make us none other than cowards. I believe that, if we show a little more respect to women, than the world would be a better place to live. Me myself, sometimes I don't think that I'm tough enough to compete especially when it comes to feelings. Its in our nature believing that reaching an agreement and taking control is always within a man's circle but what is the point of having an agreement without having people liking it and controlling something with no respect from the others?

Just look at the phase when a woman becomes a leader. BONDING is important. You can see that all she does is try to bond with the members of her community. We all know that women usually have this " all must be perfect " disease which people think it is a bad case in life. Are you sure? Don't you think this disease should be gotten by each and every human being out there in this world? Women tend to do things slow but somehow, it turns out nice and well done. That's not the end of it, they even have the chance to create a bigger sense of connection between them and their colleagues.

See !! There are much more things to learn in this life. Men should learn from women and women should do the same thing. All I've given are the things that women can do. For men, well you guys know better.

Hidden and Meaningless : A Secret.

Stayed up late at night,

With the phone on my hand,

Listening to the voices,

"Tell no one" the voice said,

That is a secret.

Walking with a friend,

Smiles and laughters share through the steps,

Talking about a subject with only our knowledge,

That is a secret.

Writing a song on a piece of paper,

Together played the guitar for a better sound,

Lyrics with hidden meanings of the writer himself,

That is a secret.

Saw a girl with beautiful eyes,

Fall in love with the owner,

Glances shown to her as a sign,

It ends where it begins,

No, that is not a secret, that is the truth.

In the End ?

A guy with a losing heart walked in a field full with enjoyment and smiles. He walked back and forth looking for his never ending friends. Smiling, laughing, telling stories that have no values just to make the part fun. For a while, he felt tired and sat on the green whispering grass under the sun with no blowing wind. He saw so many kinds of sunglasses trying to block the light of nature but none can't resist the heat.

Looking around with anxiety, its like living in a dream when he saw something unexpected walking through his view. Following it, he saw a girl walking with her big little camera on her hand. At first he said to himself " Naah, better I look around than looking at her". But one thing he can't understand was that his eyes kept on following every step she took. Its like, the lightning just shot him with a massive electric attack. " Damn it !! What is happening to meeee!! ". Before he even stood up and say Hello!, the event started and people were running towards the popular guest of the day. For him still, he didn't care about the guest, not even a bit. His eyes kept on rolling all over the crowd looking for her, but nope, she's not there.

He tried resisting it but at the same time hoping to see her again. A day passed by, but maybe because of the light, he got his chance. The girl popped out from a crowed with her pink shirt. " Aaah! Now I like that shirt", he said. The game was still in progress and finals was approaching. People cheering here and there but he was cheering for her. Without saying a thing, all he did was nothing except looking at her pure smiles. Now he wonder, if she has beauty externally, can I expect the same internally.

And again he failed. With no hope, he came back home. Back to his daily writings, songs, fb-ing and books. This might be a little bit weird but maybe God gave him another chance to shine. His heart got a spark one day to read things which weren't his. " Yes ! There she is.". Joy and happiness can be seen from his face that night and the days after. Jumping for a better part, he and she, finally said the word Hye! . Even though it was a word but for him, it means a lot. Interestingly, he felt that she has something in her that cannot be resolved. Trying to know what it was, he fell in love. What? Without a meet? Now that's impossible. " No its not", he said. Why would it be impossible if we ourselves can't even meet love but we felt it?

Talking, conversations and a little bit of gossiping happened in between until one day she said, " I'm going back to Malaysia in July". Bam!!! that thing hit him so hard, he can't breathe. He then told himself, " It should be fine, I still have weeks to go", but what happened when the weeks ended ? On Saturday, the wings took her away from him. Yes its not that long but tell me, if a guy loves a girl, how can he resist his feelings when the girl is not there? No phone calls, no texts, nothing. Just a plane same day for him like 2 months ago. Everyday his heart beats with unbearable speed telling him, something is wrong, something is going on and that he needs to do something. What can he do? Three words. Wait. Loyal. Trust.

He is still here waiting with his heart only for her and for her only. Waiting for the return of his light to him, but will she? Is that light going to be his or it belongs to another being out there?

Only the day will tell.

The Strings.

Each of it has its own tone. Once you taste the sound, you feel the words. It makes you high without pills. It makes you feel the pain without torture. The more you string it, the more you feel it. It writes songs without lyrics being said. I swear to God it makes you ride the best joy of your life. The power within give you the strength to stay alive.

People think they are something that can only be used for entertainment but trust me, the taste of the strings can make us wonder why? make us wonder when? make us wonder how? Imagine a broken heart with no cure and think of the moment where you have nothing else to rely on for a smile. Well, trust in the strings and all you ever do then is say goodbye. It makes you pull the state of belief back to yourself, making it as a path to find a better one.

It tells us that there is no perfection with only one. The faith it has when a love song is played, make one can't stop loving. Love is not about finding the other half of you but finding the happiness within you. With the strings, you feel free, you feel stone. Its like getting the lights off and calling the girl you loved before in New York City. The sounds make you remember the first time you put flowers on a woman's desk with a saying, " Have a nice day !".

Nothing to do, no where to be, take it out and let them talk. Feeling lonely, let them change it for you. Miss someone, they'll make you dream.

Always remember, you' re still alive unless you say you're not.

War.

I would march across the desert to defeat my enemy

And I would lie here in the trenches with your picture next to me

And when I told you it's forever, then it's how its gonna be
Don't, won't let him just take the place of me

Does he really know you like I know you, all the little things?
Does he really love you, like I love you, how can he compete?
If he makes me fight for you, die for you, would he do the same?
This is turning into way more than a game..

Now it feels like soldiers in a war and none of us are backing down
And I will show you victory is mine before we leave this battleground
Cause he don't wanna leave, and I don't wanna go
And I know just how this battle goes
He don't wanna leave and I don't wanna fight this kind of war

You know he's not the man you think he is; he's hiding all his flaws
So tell me what's the point of fighting? Because we'll all end up with scars
But if that's what I must go through, then I'm not prepared to lose
Cause I've already bled so much for you

Getting kind of sick of this battle
Wish I could take it back to when I had you
I'm always thinking that I can have you, just let him have you
It's getting kinda hard to convince you

After all the shit that we've been through
Why would you let all this happen?
You gotta choice to make it stop
It's already going too far..

Cause he don't wanna leave, and I don't wanna go
And I know just how this battle goes
He don't wanna leave and I don't wanna fight this kind of war..

-jay sean -

A - confession

TRUTH. A crucial thing that a person must always remember to present wherever he/she goes.

DOUBTS. Every single human being has the doubtful feelings no matter how perfect your life is.

TRUST. Sometimes people think it is hard to maintain trust among them but without realizing it, if one never trust then he/she shall not be trusted.

LIES. It is not wrong for a person to lie but instead, if we have to make it a must then it is mutually understandable.

MISTAKE. We all know we do have mistakes in life. We do it not everyday but every second in our lives.

PAIN. If you don't have pain in life then God is not fair in his creation.

LOVE. We don't and we never know when we are ready for love. It happens in a blink of an eye. It is not something that we can't compare or calculate but its a beautiful feeling which only a heart can explain. Never choose to love but open it up to be loved.

I cannot explain how can I live when the name that makes my heart beats flow away from me. How can I sleep when that name which works as a sleeping pill for me, is being destroyed ?
How can I think when my mind is empty without her?
How can I live if I lost her that give me strength to make my blood flow with no stop.
With what I did, I beg her to give me another chance for me to prove my love for her because with her my love is strong and with her my love is pure.

ya Allah, as a humble servant I beg you, soften her heart so that she forgets everything that is bad and open up the heart for that I am able to shine in her. Show her the view of my true love and give her the strength to accept my love the way it is. Amiin.

She.

She,
Maybe the face I can't forget,
The trace of pleasure or regret,
Maybe my treasure or the price I have to pay.

She,
Maybe the song that summer sings,
Maybe the chill that autumn brings,
Maybe a hundred different things,
Within a measure of a day.

She,
Maybe the beauty or the beast,
Maybe the femine or the feast,
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell.

She,
Maybe the mirror of my dreams,
The smile reflected in a stream,
She may not be what she may seem,
Inside her shell.

She,
Who always seen so happy in a crowd,
Whos eyes can be so private and so proud,
No one's allowed to see them when they cry.

She, maybe the love that cannot hope to last,
May come to me from shadows from the past,
That I'll remember till the day I die,

She,
Maybe the reason I survive,
The why and wherefore I'm alive,
The one I'll care for through the rough in ready years.

Me,
I'll take her laughter and her tears,
And turn them all my souvenirs,
For where she goes I've got to be,
The meaning of my life is,
She.

Is it Am I ? or is it I Am ?

Looking out the window,
The clear sky gives its attention,
The sun smiles wide,
The winds stop and stare,
For a second there,
Am I in love?

Walking down the street,
The roses bloom near my feet,
The trees bend down giving me shades,
So i'll stay and never fade,
Am I in love?

Reading a book with a thousand pages,
The words speak of different ages,
The cover is soft like a new born skin,
Touching it, my mind spinds,
Am I in love?

Looking at you my heart beats,
Feeling hot like Miami Heat,
You like tennis, what a great serve,
That's it, i'm in love!!

I Hope..

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang.

Events happen every day but mine wasn't so good. Maybe its a test executed by Him the Compassionate and if it is, then my faith will always be there to accept the test as a way to feel His love.

He who created the heart of a man knows what's right and what's wrong in every umat he has created and as one of his humble servant, there is no right for me to question his power but to "redha" the deed. Allah will never leave His servants alone finding their paths but instead giving them ways to walk the true road towards success.

" ya Allah, aku bermohon kepadaMu, tenangkanlah hati hamba Mu yang hina ini dan berilah aku petunjuk ke jalan yang benar. Sesungguhnya, Engkau lah yang Maha Mengetahui." Amiin.

Re-open

God speaks to each of us before we are,
Before he formed us then, in cloudly speech,
But only then, he speaks these words to each,
And silently walks with us in the dark;

Driven by your senses, dare,
To the edge of longing. Grow.
Like a fire shadowcasting glare
Behind assemble things so you can spread
Their shapes on me as clothes
Don't leave me bare.

Let it all happen to you, beauty and dread
Simply go, no feeling is too much
And only this way we can stay in touch.

Near here is the land.
That they call Life
You'll know when you arrive
But how real it is.

Give me your hand.


Rainer Maria Rilke